PH is always a one-two punch. Up. Down. Fly. Crash. A great appointment? Flying! A bad one... seismic crash. An incredible time connecting with other people who really get you (see posts below). Fly. Another patient dies... a child, like Molly Dunne, or someone just your age, as happened again this week, and it's the crash again. A dear friend in dire health straights... and you freeze, just waiting and praying for it to be okay. And the events always seem to come together. Up. Down. Crash.
Last year I sat in a funeral for a baby girl, the daughter of a friend. There was absolutely nothing in that moment that could have been said to me to bring peace or make the situation okay, at least I didn't think so. How do you justify tragedy?
Well, the priest somehow managed to find just the right words. He spoke of our tears that day, how they were blessed. He said we have a choice in life. We can open our hearts and love, and risk our hearts being broken. Or, we can keep our hearts closed, and the price for that is a shriveled and cold heart. Each of us sat there that day totally broken-hearted, the tears flowing. And yet, it was because of the choice we had made to love the family who was saying goodbye to their baby girl. And so, because we opened our hearts, those tears were blessed. We had done the right thing, as painful as it was.
In that moment, I did feel peace. The pain of what I was witnessing didn't leave, but somehow, somehow... it was going to be okay, because in the human experience, here we were with open and broken hearts, loving someone who needed it.
I could not help but to relate all this to having Pulmonary Hypertension too. Being so involved in the PH community means I see and experience a lot of heart break. A lot. More than I feel like I can handle sometimes. And yet, I've chosen to open my heart. And if I have to be here, it is a blessed place to be. To make a difference. To have people coming into my life and change it in ways I wouldn't have imagined. I never knew I could so unconditionally love people I had never met, or only spent a handful of hours with, and yet... here we are.
I am totally obsessed with the song "For Good" from Wicked, have been for a long time, but it's been the kind of couple of weeks where music really grabs you (well, grabs me, anyway) and helps you through a rough patch.
The song speaks of how people come into our lives for a reason, how they help us, and we help them in return, and all of this results in changes in our world, big changes, for good.
I guess that sums up the PH experience right now. Alone, we are limited. Together, we can change each other for good.
I can't find a good original clip of the song online, but Glee did an amazing version:
And they lyrics...
(Elphaba) I'm limited Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda): I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good
(Elphaba): It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda): Because I knew you
(Both): I have been changed for good
(Elphaba): And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda): But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both): And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda): Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba): Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both): Who can say if I've been Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been Changed for the better
(Glinda): And because I knew you...
(Elphaba): Because I knew you...
(Both): Because I knew you... I have been changed for good...
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