Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Then and Now

Sometimes it is hard to remember my world before I had a growing list of friends waiting for lung transplants because the disease we share took too much of a toll.

What was life like before I (willingly) dedicated hours to fighting different fronts of this disease, the personal and the ones that impact my community? What was life like before I had to take medication four times a day, constantly having a near-miss on a dose as hours speed by, as only they can when you're on a tight medication schedule (Four hours gone by already? Crap!).

Was there a time when exhaustion wasn't the big thing I simply can't overcome on some days?

I'm not sure I miss those days, exactly. Life is still oddly charming. I say "oddly" because... well, this whole journey is in fact crazy.  I guess with a different response, I could loose sight of the many charms and blessings that still come in spades. But, I'm sitting here tonight with so much on my mind, most of it pretty stressful and PH related, and realized I barely remember life "before". Before PH.

I don't think I'm the same person now - for better or for worse. A shorter fuse sometimes, maybe. My tolerance for bullshit is remarkably lower. And a much deeper sense of peace on other things. Because, let me tell you, "2 - 5 year survival rate" puts things in rather quick perspective... you learn to let the little things slide. And the big things? Well, those feel really big.

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